Sharing heals
I’ve been rehearsing for a few days how to write this post the best way possible, accepting my own vulnerability. It hasn’t been easy but I find it very necessary.
Last week, as I was talking to my therapist, she asked me why I felt so vulnerable. I scrambled with my thoughts for a minute to try and find words, and I finally admitted: I feel shame. There I said it.
2 weeks ago I miscarried. Again. 3 full miscarriages and 1 mishap in one year.
As many of you know, I work with women trying to help them heal, trying to help them conceive and have easy pregnancies. I help them live happy, healthy lives. Ayurveda has changed my own personal life in so many aspects and I am a full devotee of its practices, diet, lifestyle in general. When I first encountered Ayurveda, it happened because of my own health issues I needed to solve. I then promised that I would do anything I could to help anyone that came my way.
I immersed myself in so much studying. I traveled to places to learn more. And still this was happening to me. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t solve my own issues and a wave of guilt took over me.
“Is it my age? Is it my vegetarian diet? Do I need to go back to eating meat? Is it my uterus? Why do I feel like this is my fault when it’s not? ” The questions didn’t cease for a minute.
Then I started hearing more and more stories of doctors that battled cancer, gurus that went through so many health challenges, and therapists that needed their own therapists.
I stopped. I went and looked for help. Mental and physical help. I just wanted someone to hold my hands since my mom couldn’t be here.
The last two weeks have changed me and the way I see many aspects of life. The more I try to control, the less I can control. I realized that people can be so compassionate. I strengthened a faith I didn’t think I could. I learned about parts of myself I didn’t know existed. I also learned that I'm not God and I don't have all the answers. I realized I am so lucky to have my beautiful daughter (so many women dream of becoming a mom and aren’t able to - my heart goes to you). I am so lucky to have people to share my story with. Sharing heals.
Pregnancy loss (the term miscarriage sounds so awful) is devastating. All losses are devastating. The difference is that society doesn’t treat it that way. Losing a baby is like losing a family member. It’s birth and death at the same time. It’s heart wrenching. So if you’re reading this and you too experienced a loss, please know that you can talk to me, call me, message me, do anything you need for support. WE NEED HELP when things like this happen.
I found many resources (aside from friends and family) that helped me cope with it and that is what I’m here to share today (they are in the form of links on my blog if that's easier - just click on my bio).
• http://www.mollyduttonkenny.com/resources-blog/resources-for-miscarriage
• https://www.yinovacenter.com/fertility-ny/ (they are specialized in fertility, miscarriages and recovering from these events)
• http://www.drsamidavidmd.com/bio (I haven’t personally visited him but I hear he is amazing at treating women naturally)
• http://www.schoolofemotion.org/about-us.html (my phenomenal therapist)
• @undefiningmotherhood (this IG profile has amazing support)
• Escola da Aura (for Portuguese and Spanish speakers)
Meditating and/or cultivating silence have been the best medicine for me. Crying, crying and crying. That’s how I cleanse my emotions. Spending time with my daughter. Trying to rest as much as possible (my body didn’t heal as fast this time around). Self-massaging. Eating healthy, warm food. Ayurveda's postpartum practices. All of this has also helped.
Above all, believing that our creator, divinity, or however you prefer to call it, loves us and has a beautiful plan of spiritual development for all of us, is what keeps me going. These experiences have opened my eyes and heart. I now more than ever want to commit to my path as a holistic healer. And by helping to heal others I will continue to heal myself.
Be well,
Thais